Conscientiously Stepping Out of the Mire

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A Holiday Miracle (4 years stable!)
In December 2011, I was all set to take my own life. I bought all the implements. I studied a method using those implements from the book, Final Exit. I was set.

The year before had me on the ropes. I was thousands of dollars in debt. I lost thousands of dollars of my possessions from the give-away from my manic episode. My job was gone. I weighed nearly 400 lbs from the Lithium, Depakote and general poor diet (and developed Type 2 diabetes on top of that). All of this hit me in the course of a year. I had had enough.

I spent (what I thought) the last night of life overeating and trying to psych myself for the end. I had prepared a multi-page suicide note that had said, "Please Forgive Me" written on the envelope. I was ready to go.

But, there was something in me that told me to call the Crisis Line. I cried and I wailed to them and I disclosed what was happening. I knew that the usual routine would await me: a trip to the emergency room, an examination, being housed with a bunch of unstable people, be given meeds that wouldn't truly work, and ultimately sent back out to the world to be ripped to pieces and set up for another go-round to the hospital in the future.

So, I was processed, and I cried all the way through and ultimately I was ready. Then they weighed me…I had lost 20 lbs! I had done nothing except stopped taking the Depakote and Lithium, but there it was: 20 lbs--I was 376!

And then I checked my messages, and my friend Kristen left a message just telling me that she cared. It wasn't prompted. She just wanted to. I was moved--and encouraged.

And lastly, I worked with Dr. Frank and he prescribed a drug called, Perphenazine. I had never heard of this drug before. And in a few days my head cleared up. I became more grounded and I the other patients seemed more unstable than usual with these new eyes. I also took pen to paper and began making a plan on tackling the credit card debt. I was off-the-wall excited, but I began to feel a quiet confidence in my faculties than I ever had since I couldn't remember.

When I was released I began to repair my life. I continued to "run with it" when it came to the weight loss--it was imperative with the diabetes. I stopped drinking soda. I started watching what I took into my body more closely. And I began to chip away at the credit card debt--hundreds of dollars at a time.

4 years later: that credit card debt was paid off in 2 and a 1/2 years. I have got down to 267 lbs (nearly 130 lbs off my body). I met the cast of Star Trek TNG and director, Kevin Smith. I made a short documentary that was shown to the public. And while I haven't found a job as yet, I've been volunteering for the last several years and have made some new friends.

I've tried to be more caring and supportive, especially to my family who've had some hardships as of last year. And best of all I haven't been hospitalized since that December 4 years ago! This was a record for my adult life. I have belabored some of this on this blog, and that's because I say this all with the deepest gratitude. And I couldn't have done it without the support of my family and my friends--and you all have my deepest gratitude as well.

I wish you all the Happiest of Holiday Seasons and a very Happy New Year!


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